How Can I Help?

As I get inundated/inundate myself with much of the news that’s being discussed around water coolers, gyms, dinner tables, and Facebook walls throughout the world relating to the new Trump administration, I am often sitting here thinking to myself, “how can I help effect change?”

How can I make life safer for my community of amazing people around the world, and in the US in particular?

Being in Canada, how can I lend a hand and show solidarity to those in the US who I love that are part of the black community, the Muslim community, the First Nations community, the LGBT+ community, the community of women, the community of teachers, the middle class and the unemployed, and all the other countless amazing communities that are out there right now who are hurting, crying, afraid, and desperate? 

What can I do, beyond my deluge of social media posts, to bring about awareness and social change to those who may not agree with me but are willing to listen?

I’m honestly asking here, because I simply don’t know.

I feel exasperated and hamstrung in my ineffectiveness. I have signed petitions that have led to nowhere but made me feel good for a minute.  I have engaged with trolls (and those who are in a quasi-trolly mood, but aren’t really trolls, they’re just feeling like they’re not being heard so they act like trolls which make people not want to hear them and so they act MORE like trolls) in the comments section.  I have donated to various causes.  I have cheered on my friends who have put jobs/friendships on the line to protest this tyrannical administration.  I have done all of this from the comfort of my home.  I haven’t actually DONE anything.  I just clicked a few buttons, tapped a few keys, and mentally patted myself on the back for being a good person.

There was a vigil today to grieve with the local Muslim community in the wake of yesterday’s mass shooting in Quebec.  Mass shootings are an anomaly in Canada; they happen so rarely happen that the entire nation is rocked to its very core (this is the fourth mass shooting since 2014).  Sadly, it wasn’t until after the vigil ended that I found out about it so I wasn’t able to attend.  There’s a subsequent one on Saturday that I will be out of town for, so again, I can’t attend.  So again, I sit here frustrated in my inactivity. 

I see way too many parallels between this new Trump administration and the rise of the Nazi regime and it scares me.  Not in the *excuse me as I attempt to type like Kim K sounds* “like, omg those poor, like... people” kind of scared.  But in the “Holy shit, maybe those crazy Preppers are on to something, and we need to seriously consider making a bug out bag.” kind of scared.  I genuinely fear that we are witnessing Nazi Germany 2.0 in the making, and I am equally terrified that as loud as everyone is about speaking out against this horrific scene developing, we aren’t being loud enough.  The poem “First They Came...” has been running through my head in a constant loop for over a week now. 

I want and need to speak for the Socialists, and the Trade Unionists, and Jews... because soon, someone will need to speak for me.  I am terrified that the meager things I have done have amounted to nothing, and I as good as silent. 

I need to go look at puppies and baby sloths, because...

 

I feel my zen coming back a bit...

OMG they’re in a bucket!

How is he even real <3

Awww, he’s tired

Let’s just end this here
http://www.kittycatcam.com/

That's retarded.

Today, a friend of mine on Facebook shared a wonderful link to another blog.  It wasn't a particularly long post, but it had an impact on me.

How many of you, like me, respond to things we disagree with,don't like, think is awful or just have a negative reaction to with, "That's retarded" or, "That's gay"?  I'm very guilty of using the latter phrase. 

I have a coworker of mine who is an incredibly beautiful man.  He's generous (almost to a fault), funny, kind, hard working, always smiling and just plain awesome.  He's also gay.  For whatever reason, it never occurred to me that when I say "That's gay" that it was hurtful to him.  I was using the word gay as a pejorative, and therefore saying that he is someone to think less of.  Of course I don't mean or even think that.  But I also wasn't thinking of what I was saying. 

One day, he was telling me a story about a weird call he had taken, or some not very happy situation in his life that I was commiserating with him on and said "That's gay".  He just looked at me and said, "Thanks."  Nothing else.  He didn't go off on me, didn't tell me off, didn't call me hurtful things, didn't react negatively in any way.  That's not his style.  He'd sooner gut himself than willingly hurt someone, even if it was in defense of himself.  All he said was, "Thanks." 

There was so much hurt in that single word.  So much disappointment.  So much sorrow.  And I had caused it.  I felt about half an inch tall and immediately apologized for saying that.  There was no excuse for saying it.  All I could do was beg his forgiveness.  Being the amazing guy he is, he accepted my apology and we moved on.  I have tried to be more cognizant of my words since then, but I can't promise that I have never used that phrase or "That's retarded" since.  It's become such an entrenched part of society's (the Western society at any rate) lexicon that we literally don't know what we're saying when we say it. 

Many of my friends have children who have Autism or are on the spectrum or have something in their brains/bodies that keeps them from living like "normal" kids.  A lot of my friends do, in fact.  Never, never would it occur to me to call them retarded.  They're not (not in the way that people think of the word, at any rate - because let's face it, when you hear the word retarded, you're not thinking happy thoughts, are you?  It's a sad, and frankly disgusting reality).  They're some of the most beautiful kids I've had the pleasure of seeing grow up through pictures, stories and videos posted on Facebook and their respective blogs.  They have some of the biggest smiles I have ever seen, and I absolutely love reading stories of them coming to grips with their situation and learning how to cope with it.  When their parents struggle, or when they struggle and their parents vent online, I hurt for them.  When they're over the moon because their child said "I love you." to them, I rejoice with them.

I don't know how or why "That's retarded" and "That's gay" became an accepted turn of phrase but we really need to think about who we are saying that about, and stop saying it.  You wouldn't say "That's so cancerous" or "That's Chinese" as a pejorative, would you?  No, because people who run you out of town for saying something like that.  You'd be labeled at best insensitive or callous, and at worst a bigot or a racist.   Well guess what?  Every time you (and I) say "That's gay" and/or "That's retarded" that's exactly what you are.  An insensitive, callous, bigot. 

Let's end the use of the R word, okay?

Hug your children tonight.

Faith the Warrior Princess, has lost her battle with cancer today.  She was just shy of her ninth birthday, but she decided that she wanted to be ten for her birthday.  They celebrated her birthday a few weeks ago, so she and her family had a chance to all be together.

She's just a baby, but she was so strong and seemed to always have a smile in every photo her family has shared with us on Facebook.  It's not fair.  There aren't any words that can be said that would make it fair. 

Yesterday, Kienan was brought back to his mother's loving arms.  Today, Faith was taken from her mother's loving arms.

Both are reasons you should go hug your children right now, and every other opportunity you get.

Don't Underestimate the Power of Romance.

Today I was teasing my fiancé about what he should buy me while he’s on his much envied (yet far more deserved) trip to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks with a friend of his.  I said that he should make me a bear at the Las Vegas Build-a-Bear store.  He seemed a bit thrown that I would actually want a teddy bear, at my age.  Later on, I suggested a couple of other things, but then reiterated the idea of a teddy bear saying, “You can never go wrong with getting a woman a teddy bear, regardless of her age.”  He seemed surprised, and perhaps a tad dismayed, that the Vermont Teddy Bear ads were true.  I thought this would be a good idea for a post.

If you’re dating/married to/living with/related to/are crushing on/know a woman, and you want to give her a gift, I’m telling you (from my own personal experiences, certainly I don’t speak for all women) that you will rarely go wrong with a gift of teddy bears or flowers.  Personally, I find both to be super romantic (when given to me by my partner) and super sweet (when given to me by anyone).  You may think, “Teddy bears? Flowers? But they’ve been done before.  She’ll think I haven’t put any thought into it.” But this is not the way to think.  There are so many ways to make tried and true gifts like flowers and teddy bears original, particularly with companies like Build-a-Bear. 

Here are some tips for teddy bears:

1. Use her favourites as a theme: favourite colour, favourite animal, heck favourite sports team!  If you know that she loves the colour yellow, get her a teddy bear (or bunny, dog... whatever) wearing something yellow.  If you know she thinks bunnies are the cutest things ever then get her a stuffed bunny wearing a yellow slicker or something.  If she hates basketball and is afraid of dogs, but you love both, don’t get her a stuffed puppy wearing a basketball jersey.  Basically, personalize the teddy bear so that she knows you are paying attention to the things she likes and doesn’t like and that that matters to you.
2. Softer is better.   There may be women out there who would prefer a coarse sock monkey, but in most cases the softness of the teddy bear is directly correlated to the length and emphasis of the “Aww!” she will give you. 
3. If you can, don’t order the bear online unless you’re planning on getting it delivered to her place of employment or school.  Try to go to a Build-a-Bear or similar store and pick out all the makings of the teddy bear yourself.  A woman who knows that you “built” this bear yourself will be that much more touched about the gift.  If you’re unable to go to a store go to a website that will allow you to customize the bear to your heart’s (or the woman you are giving this to) content. 

Tips for getting her flowers:

1. Like with the teddy bear, find out her favourites.  Favourite flower, favourite colour, a favourite memory associated with certain flowers and get her something along those lines.  These gifts show her that you listen.  If she’s said she loves potted orchids, don’t get her red carnations. 
2. Wait in line, not online.  If at all possible, go to an actual brick and mortar store to get her the flowers rather than ordering from a website.  I would recommend still having them delivered, but, like with the teddy bears, she’ll be much more touched if she knew that you handpicked the flowers yourself, so to speak.
3. Variety is the spice of life.  While you can’t go wrong with the tried and true dozen, long stemmed, red roses, try mixing up the bouquet a bit.  Whenever I get flowers for someone (I love getting flowers for people), I always try to make the bouquet as customized as possible.  I will grab a premade bouquet as a base that calls out to me (and my budget) and then go around the store adding single stemmed flowers and fillers to build the bouquet.  I avoid getting bouquets of the same flower and colour as much as possible.  Unless, of course, I know that that’s what the recipient prefers. 
4. No do-overs.  Again, unless she’s stated a preference otherwise, don’t get her the same flowers every year.  The first year or two it’s cute, but some women (like me, for instance) start to think after a while that you’re not really trying anymore.  It’s one thing if it’s something she says she wants, or if you have a cute memory about the two of you pertaining to that specific type of bouquet.  But if neither of those describe the woman you’re getting the flowers for, or your relationship with her, start getting her different flowers (or something else all together.  I vote for flowers).
5. This is no place for pragmatism!  If she has allergies to specific (or all) flowers, okay fine, but don’t be practical and pragmatic with flowers.  If the objective is to show her your romantic side, getting her carnations (when you know she hates them) because they last longer, is like a bucket of cold water for her.  Let’s face it, you’re not going to get any play with that.

Pro tip #1:  She will likely brag about you to all of her girlfriends for a lengthy period of time following this.  

Pro tip #2:  If you’re married to/dating/living with/crushing on this woman, get it delivered.  Not only will she be able to brag about how amazing and romantic you are to her girlfriends, she gets to brag about you at work.  Women (I know from my own experiences) love to be able to brag about their partners.  Maybe it’s an instinctual thing, maybe it’s Darwinian, or maybe it’s just plain cattiness.  Nevertheless, give her an excuse to brag about you and as often as you can because she remembers the romantic gestures and the support you give her a lot more than she remembers that time you pissed her off about... Jesus... what was I mad at him about last?  I can’t remember.  

Pro tip #3: Don’t forget the card; especially if you’re getting it delivered!  Always remember to include a card with a quick note showing her you care.  Remember all those painfully boring chick flicks she made you sit through?  Remember when she went “Aww” when the hero sent the heroine the flowers?  Remember when she cried when the heroine read out the card he included?  Yeah.  That’s the goal.  

Pro tip #4: Romance doesn’t automatically equal big sweeping romantic gestures.  Sometimes it is, sure, but sometimes it’s an honest moment filled with love.  I remember the first romantic thing my fiancé did and while I won’t go into specifics, because it’s very personal and special to me, all it was was one sentence.   

Don’t let the romance die.  If you just started dating, or you’ve been married for 65 years, just don’t’ let it die. 

Don't even know where to begin

I've been off work for almost two months now with a hip injury that makes it nearly impossible for me to sit for any real stretch of time without pain.  Having an office job, this makes working pretty darned difficult right now.  As a result, my partner has really taken up the slack around the house.

He gets our son ready for bed every night.
He gets the boy in and out of the car, to and from daycare.
When the kid wakes up in the middle of the night, my guy jumps out of bed to comfort him.
He's making dinner every night, and if he's just too bushed to consider dinner, he's picking up the tab for takeout.
He bought me a bed tray so that I can comfortably eat in bed.
He's washing my laundry.
He's comforting me when I get so stressed out and frustrated at my inability to do much.
He stops whatever he's in the middle of doing, just to see if I need anything. 
He'll take the kid out for the day, all day - on his days off - just so I can have some quiet time, and so the kid doesn't feel cooped in.

He's doing all this - and so much more - so that I can recover that much quicker and because he loves me.  He is truly what a partner should be.  Father's Day is coming up and while I already have a gift for him lined up, whatever I get him won't even come close to making up for all that he's done for me and our son.  There isn't any way I can truly put to words the love and gratitude I have for him.  He's done so much for us, not just these past several weeks, but for years.  How do you thank someone for their constant, unwavering support and affection?  Something tells me that a tie simply won't do. 

To my partner, today I say: Thank you for being the amazing man that you are.  You are my rock.  I would be absolutely and wholly lost without you.  Not just because I'm laid up, but because you give me a reason to want to get up.

To his mother, today I say: Thank you for having him.  You should be so proud of your son.  It wasn't easy, with the cards you were dealt but you did a terrific job!

To our son, today I say: Thank you for giving me a piece of your father, for all days.  When you grow up, and want to know what it means to be a man, just look at your father.  He is kind, supportive, intelligent, self-assured, respectful and strong*.  He is dedicated to the people and things that matter to him, and when he says he's going to do something, you know it will get done.  You are very lucky to have him as your daddy!  No one will do more for you than him.

Writer's Note: I'm talking emotionally, as I don't believe being physically strong defines a man... though he is