I miss her

I’ve been wanting to write a post about religion, and the absence of it in my life.  This is my third attempt.  I can’t put into words how I feel.  I don’t believe in God. I used to.  I’ve been hurt by religion.  I walked away and haven’t looked back.  It’s not as simple as that, but maybe that’s all I need to say about that.

The reason I’ve been struggling with this post for the past week and a half is because today is the 8th anniversary of my friend’s suicide.  It’s such a weird time of year for me, since Mini Moo’s birthday falls less than a week prior to that.  So there’s this huge build up to the kid’s birthday; days, weeks, months of planning the party (I went a bit nuts this year) and what gifts to get and an almost immediate crash into missing my friend even more than normal.

This year it’s even harder for me.  I know someone who’s struggling with suicide.  I don’t know this person well, but someone who’s really important to me knows this person really well.  He’s a young person who doesn’t fully realize the impact suicide has on the people left behind.  I miss my friend all the time.  There are times where it’s so bad, I can’t function properly.  There are times I’m so angry at her that I want to punch things, throw things, destroy things.  I can’t yell at her, so what other option do I have?  Most of all, I miss talking to her.

She was funny, so smart, loved animals, being active, and being with her friends.  She adored her family.  She had her own business.  She was a light.  She struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide.  She had a hard time finding her own identity.  She believed in God, but had a lot of questions that couldn’t be answered.

And now she’s gone.

We can’t ever talk to her over the phone.  We can’t post stupid quizzes on her Facebook wall and find out what flower she is (she’d be a green tulip).  Her family can’t hug her.  Her pain made her blind to all the amazing things she brought to this world, and she took that from us.  I’ll love her forever, and I’ll never stop mourning her death.  But I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her for that moment of selfishness.

I wish I could grab this kid by the shoulders and say, “Don’t you dare!! Don’t you dare deprive the world of all you have to offer! Don’t you dare leave a hole in the hearts of your family and friends that will never be filled!”  I have talked to him about how suicide has impacted me and my friends.  One of my best friends has also talked to him about her own experiences with suicide.  He listens to us, and all the people who are trying to help him, but I worry he doesn’t hear us.

Like with my friend, he can’t see past the wall of pain.  All he knows is that living... that taking that next breath... is just too hard.  He’s convinced that people won’t give a shit if he lives or dies.  He thinks those who love him will move on in no time, and things will be better for everyone around him.

Unfortunately when someone’s in such a dark hole, there’s little that can be said to that person to convince them otherwise.  All we can do is love them, give them as much support and encouragement as we can, and try to show them how our lives are so much richer with them in it.  My life will never be the same without my friend in it.  The same is true for her family and friends.  The same would be true if this kid does the unthinkable.  Many lives will be profoundly impacted by his loss.  I just hope he realizes this before it’s too late.

If you’re in a scary place, please know that you’re not alone.  There are people who are there to help you.  If you feel you can’t talk to your family and friends, there are help lines you can call.  You can go to the hospital.  You can call the police.  You can talk to a teacher or counselor at school.  Please don’t convince yourself that no one will help and please don’t stop asking for help. There will be someone who can help.

If you are thinking of hurting yourself, please call someone for help.
If you suspect someone around you may be suicidal and you don’t know what to do, please call someone for help. 

Below is a list of resources that you can use for help.

Kids Help Phone (Canada)

Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention (Canada)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA)

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (USA)

Papyrus (UK)

Samaritans (UK)

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For resources close to you, wherever you are in Canada click here
List of suicide crisis lines by country
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If your country isn’t listed, and you would like me to include them on my list, please leave a comment below and I will do what I can to include a national number or resource on this post.

Someone loves you.  Even if it’s someone you don’t know or haven’t met yet.  Trust me in this.


I love you.

Her Unfull Arms

Her arms are loaded down  -  overflowing  -  bare

But will they every be full?

Knowing her child won't ever be in her loving embrace?

A mother's arms provide love  - comfort  - strength

Her child is now somewhere else  - gone  - taken

Dead

Love a mother when she hugs you

With her unfull arms.

Hug your children tonight.

Faith the Warrior Princess, has lost her battle with cancer today.  She was just shy of her ninth birthday, but she decided that she wanted to be ten for her birthday.  They celebrated her birthday a few weeks ago, so she and her family had a chance to all be together.

She's just a baby, but she was so strong and seemed to always have a smile in every photo her family has shared with us on Facebook.  It's not fair.  There aren't any words that can be said that would make it fair. 

Yesterday, Kienan was brought back to his mother's loving arms.  Today, Faith was taken from her mother's loving arms.

Both are reasons you should go hug your children right now, and every other opportunity you get.

Regrets

How do you handle regrets?  I know you have them; everyone does.  Obviously, we all try to go through life making sure we don't have any, and many of us believe that we don't have any regrets.  I understand why.  They take up too much time and too much energy if we really start to think about and focus on our If-only-I-had's, shoulda's and I-wish-I-could-go-back-and's but really how do you handle your regrets?

If pressed to reveal my biggest regrets, I could easily name two.  No, three.  The first regret is waiting as long as I did to reconnect with my biological father.  It was only a few weeks after my family and I had told him that I'll be visiting him and his parents for a little bit in our upcoming trip to Europe that summer that my grandfather passed away.  It rocked me to my core, and I felt that had I tried to reconcile with my father a year earlier, I might have had some time to see my grandfather one last time.  I was only 15 at the time, and as I get older I recognize that it was not in any way my responsibility to try to rebuild a relationship with my father and that my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins could have tried to keep in touch with me rather than hiding behind my father's shame.  I have no relationship with my father, again, which pleases me greatly as he is a poison in my life.  But I still wish I had been given a chance to see my grandfather again.

My second big regret is not seeing my friend while she was in palliative care.  She was diagnosed with cancer in the fall and died shortly before the following summer.  I had a lot of joyous memories of her as a child and I hated the idea of seeing her with but a few breaths left in her.  I was a coward.  There's simply no other way to put it.  Yeah, I was still just a kid - not quite 20 years old - but she was my butterfly, and I couldn't stand the last memory of her being one without her wings.  As you can tell, I'm still having a hard time coming to grips with this one.  I think it might be the irony that's getting to me.  I didn't want my last memory of her to be one of her sitting on her death bed, and instead my last memory of her is my cowardice.  I could have sat by her side, held her hand, laughed with her, cried with her and told her how much I loved her.  I traded that in for wishing I could do all of that. 

My third, and perhaps deepest regret is hurting someone who was nothing but good to me.  He gave me his heart, and I did not treat that gift with the respect it deserved.  I was too in love with the romance that was offered to see that he wasn't the man - through no fault of his own - I was supposed to be with.  I'm with that man now; we have a beautiful family and every day I get to wake up next to him is like a gift from the stars, but I regret that in the process of discovering this love that I have now I wound up hurting someone who didn't want anything but to be that man for me. 

Getting back to my original question of "How do you handle your regrets?", there's nothing I can do about the first two regrets of my life except maybe talk about it when given the opportunity so that people who may see themselves faced with a similar situation don't make the sames mistakes I made.  As to the last regret, I've recently emailed the person in question and apologized to him.  Whether or not he chooses to forgive me, is entirely up to him.  Frankly, I didn't email him to ask for it.  His potential decision to ignore me, berate me, or absolve me of my sins doesn't hold much interest to me.  Perhaps that sounds cold, but I felt the most I can do on my part (and really, the only thing I should) was to offer up my sincerest apologies, without any explanations or rationalizations or hope for any sort of response in kind.  I'll let the fates decide what things may come.

If you have regrets, don't let them fester.  Really take the time to see if there's some way you can address these regrets head on.  Don't think of it as focusing on the past, but of getting rid of the gorilla on your shoulder, as my chiropractor would say.  Don't let it weigh you down.  Maybe you won't be able to get right of the gorilla, but you might at least be able to make it one of them little wind up clapping monkeys.