Don't Underestimate the Power of Romance.

Today I was teasing my fiancé about what he should buy me while he’s on his much envied (yet far more deserved) trip to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks with a friend of his.  I said that he should make me a bear at the Las Vegas Build-a-Bear store.  He seemed a bit thrown that I would actually want a teddy bear, at my age.  Later on, I suggested a couple of other things, but then reiterated the idea of a teddy bear saying, “You can never go wrong with getting a woman a teddy bear, regardless of her age.”  He seemed surprised, and perhaps a tad dismayed, that the Vermont Teddy Bear ads were true.  I thought this would be a good idea for a post.

If you’re dating/married to/living with/related to/are crushing on/know a woman, and you want to give her a gift, I’m telling you (from my own personal experiences, certainly I don’t speak for all women) that you will rarely go wrong with a gift of teddy bears or flowers.  Personally, I find both to be super romantic (when given to me by my partner) and super sweet (when given to me by anyone).  You may think, “Teddy bears? Flowers? But they’ve been done before.  She’ll think I haven’t put any thought into it.” But this is not the way to think.  There are so many ways to make tried and true gifts like flowers and teddy bears original, particularly with companies like Build-a-Bear. 

Here are some tips for teddy bears:

1. Use her favourites as a theme: favourite colour, favourite animal, heck favourite sports team!  If you know that she loves the colour yellow, get her a teddy bear (or bunny, dog... whatever) wearing something yellow.  If you know she thinks bunnies are the cutest things ever then get her a stuffed bunny wearing a yellow slicker or something.  If she hates basketball and is afraid of dogs, but you love both, don’t get her a stuffed puppy wearing a basketball jersey.  Basically, personalize the teddy bear so that she knows you are paying attention to the things she likes and doesn’t like and that that matters to you.
2. Softer is better.   There may be women out there who would prefer a coarse sock monkey, but in most cases the softness of the teddy bear is directly correlated to the length and emphasis of the “Aww!” she will give you. 
3. If you can, don’t order the bear online unless you’re planning on getting it delivered to her place of employment or school.  Try to go to a Build-a-Bear or similar store and pick out all the makings of the teddy bear yourself.  A woman who knows that you “built” this bear yourself will be that much more touched about the gift.  If you’re unable to go to a store go to a website that will allow you to customize the bear to your heart’s (or the woman you are giving this to) content. 

Tips for getting her flowers:

1. Like with the teddy bear, find out her favourites.  Favourite flower, favourite colour, a favourite memory associated with certain flowers and get her something along those lines.  These gifts show her that you listen.  If she’s said she loves potted orchids, don’t get her red carnations. 
2. Wait in line, not online.  If at all possible, go to an actual brick and mortar store to get her the flowers rather than ordering from a website.  I would recommend still having them delivered, but, like with the teddy bears, she’ll be much more touched if she knew that you handpicked the flowers yourself, so to speak.
3. Variety is the spice of life.  While you can’t go wrong with the tried and true dozen, long stemmed, red roses, try mixing up the bouquet a bit.  Whenever I get flowers for someone (I love getting flowers for people), I always try to make the bouquet as customized as possible.  I will grab a premade bouquet as a base that calls out to me (and my budget) and then go around the store adding single stemmed flowers and fillers to build the bouquet.  I avoid getting bouquets of the same flower and colour as much as possible.  Unless, of course, I know that that’s what the recipient prefers. 
4. No do-overs.  Again, unless she’s stated a preference otherwise, don’t get her the same flowers every year.  The first year or two it’s cute, but some women (like me, for instance) start to think after a while that you’re not really trying anymore.  It’s one thing if it’s something she says she wants, or if you have a cute memory about the two of you pertaining to that specific type of bouquet.  But if neither of those describe the woman you’re getting the flowers for, or your relationship with her, start getting her different flowers (or something else all together.  I vote for flowers).
5. This is no place for pragmatism!  If she has allergies to specific (or all) flowers, okay fine, but don’t be practical and pragmatic with flowers.  If the objective is to show her your romantic side, getting her carnations (when you know she hates them) because they last longer, is like a bucket of cold water for her.  Let’s face it, you’re not going to get any play with that.

Pro tip #1:  She will likely brag about you to all of her girlfriends for a lengthy period of time following this.  

Pro tip #2:  If you’re married to/dating/living with/crushing on this woman, get it delivered.  Not only will she be able to brag about how amazing and romantic you are to her girlfriends, she gets to brag about you at work.  Women (I know from my own experiences) love to be able to brag about their partners.  Maybe it’s an instinctual thing, maybe it’s Darwinian, or maybe it’s just plain cattiness.  Nevertheless, give her an excuse to brag about you and as often as you can because she remembers the romantic gestures and the support you give her a lot more than she remembers that time you pissed her off about... Jesus... what was I mad at him about last?  I can’t remember.  

Pro tip #3: Don’t forget the card; especially if you’re getting it delivered!  Always remember to include a card with a quick note showing her you care.  Remember all those painfully boring chick flicks she made you sit through?  Remember when she went “Aww” when the hero sent the heroine the flowers?  Remember when she cried when the heroine read out the card he included?  Yeah.  That’s the goal.  

Pro tip #4: Romance doesn’t automatically equal big sweeping romantic gestures.  Sometimes it is, sure, but sometimes it’s an honest moment filled with love.  I remember the first romantic thing my fiancé did and while I won’t go into specifics, because it’s very personal and special to me, all it was was one sentence.   

Don’t let the romance die.  If you just started dating, or you’ve been married for 65 years, just don’t’ let it die. 

Is Visiting Your Family Taxing?

Today I was going to post about my fiancé again.  He’s been such a rock for me these past three plus months, even more than usual, so I wanted to go on at great length how amazing he is.  I’ve been inspired to write about something else, so you’re just going to have to take my word for it, or read the last post I wrote about him instead.

A friend has a father that’s currently in the hospital.  Naturally, she wants to spend as much time as she can with her father while he’s there.  The problem is, whenever she does, she has to pay out the nose for parking.  I just looked it up.  For her city’s major hospital, which is where he’s staying, she has to pay $15 for parking because she has the nerve, the unmitigated gall to go see her father while he’s in the hospital.  Who the hell does she think she is?  Yeah, she can get it validated (the website says that that’s only for patients of visitors.  Umm.. . aside from hospital staff who probably have staff parking, who else is going to the hospital??  A door-to-door salesperson? Jehovah’s Witnesses?) , but she’s still paying a minimum of $6 to visit her childrens’ papou.

The thing is, it’s not exactly like this is an uncommon occurrence.  When I had to go get some paperwork straightened up when I first went on disability assistance last year, I had to pay $3 for less than 15 minutes worth of parking, because the government facility that I had to go to had pay parking, and because you couldn’t pay for a portion of the hour.  I was applying for financial aid and I had, essentially, had to pay to do so.  When I had my son, and we were discharged, we had to pay to leave the hospital because my mother dared to pick me up in her car (nevermind the fact that they will not allow you to leave the hospital in anything other than a car or ambulance) and there again was pay parking.

Does anyone else find it absolutely abhorrent that many hospitals and government facilities have pay parking?  These are essential service buildings, and all the taxes we pay throughout the year aren’t enough for these facilities aren’t enough.  No.  They need to add yet another tax for the luxury of going to these buildings.

One could argue that you don’t need to drive to these facilities.  You could take the bus (bus fares), the taxi (taxi rates) or an ambulance (in BC, we have to pay for an ambulance ride.  Tommy Douglas is probably rolling in his grave) instead; but unless you’re within walking distance of these facilities, and you are capable to walking there on your own two feet, or have someone who can push/carry/drag you all the way there, you’re somehow paying for it. 

I don’t what can/should be done about this, but it definitely makes me want to watch Sicko again. 

Sigh.

Vancouver's Best Kept Secret

If you're a regular reader of my blog, you know that I'm so infatuated with this Vintage Love.  Warren Dean Flandez has, today, released his first official video for his debut album, Vintage Love and let me tell you, it is amazing!  Please don't take my word for it though, and check it out.  I have it embedded at the bottom of this post, so I've made it nice and easy for you.

To my fellow Canadians I issue a challenge.  Soul artists have really struggled to make it in this country as such, without "popping" their music to make it more accessible to the 20something crowd.  Music like Warren's is all too often relegated to easy listening stations for the 9 - 5 crowd who are more interested in reliving their glory days.  This makes for very diluted, monotone, unimaginative music out there.  Sure, we have some great artists/musical acts originating from this great land of ours: Barenaked Ladies, Bryan Adams, Deborah Cox, Jann Arden but if you know anything about any of these artists, you know that they are known, world wide, for breaking the mold.

Warren is next on the list.

Don't let radio executives who don't step outside of their offices tell you that soul music is dead in Canada.  Don't let them tell you what you should be listening to.  Watch the video, go to www.muchmusic.com and request the video.  Show this good, Canadian boy some love.

Some vintage love. 

Focused on Can'ts

Because of my temporary disability, I am always filling out various forms and having to answer to so many different people.  The question they always ask is: What can't you do right now? This is such a demoralizing question, as it keeps me rooted in that question, because every time they ask me that question, I have to provide updates on what I can’t do.  For the past three months, that’s been what I’ve been focused on.  What I can’t do.  

Here’s the list:

•  I can’t sit for long periods of time.  The length really depends on the position and chair I am sitting in and my willingness/need to put up with the pain.  I can drive for about 30 minutes, but I’m in discomfort from almost the beginning.  By the time I reach 15-20 minutes, I’m in pain.  I can’t really go beyond 30 minutes.  Not without taking heavy duty pain meds, and then it’s a question of safety because of the meds.  Couches I can’t comfortably sit in, however I can lie down on one.  Office chairs, the chairs at my doctor’s office, at physio are agonizingly uncomfortable. 
•  I can’t swim.  The current and instability and resistance are too much for me.  The hot tub helps, but even walking slow and small steps is awful.  If I go to the pool, which my physiotherapists and doctor wants me to do, I’m in so much pain afterwards I can barely move to a few days afterwards.
• I can’t take my kid to the park.  I do, every now and then (I’ve taken him exactly three times in the past three months), because why suffer for my disability?  When we get home, however, I head straight for bed with a heating pad and lots of medication.
•  I can’t walk more than a few meters without help from my cane.
•  I can’t make dinner for my family, unless it’s something really simple and I’ve had a somewhat pain free day (relatively speaking).
•  I can’t sleep without a heating pad, 2 – 4 morphine pills and a pillow between my knees for when I sleep on my side.
•  I can’t walk up or down stairs without hep from my cane.  Slopes or hills? Forget about it. My hips are put in too awkward of an angle.
•  I can’t ride a bike, go hiking, go to the gym or go horseback riding.  Granted, of the things mentioned, I’ve only been to the gym this past year.
•  I can’t stand for too long.  If I do, my hip starts to throb and my legs start to shake.
• I can’t bend over to pick something up.  Not without doing a really slow pirouette and holding on to a wall or table or something to keep me from falling and to aid me in getting back up.
• I can’t pick up my son. I can’t bend over to give him a hug, or kiss him goodnight.  He needs to climb up on my bed so that I can give him his night time kisses, puppy noses, snuggles and hugs.
•  I can’t afford my bills, or to send my son to daycare so he can hang out with his friends, or to buy little treats for me or my family.  I’ve exhausted most of my options in regards to financial assistance, and am still waiting to see if I’ll be accepted for Long Term Disability.  My fiancé has taken on basically all of the household expenses.  Without him, I’d be pretty screwed right now.
•  I can’t go on vacation this year.  All year since my fiancé got his new job, I’ve been looking forward to going to Las Vegas in the fall with him again.  He took me in 2006 when I was pregnant, and I’ve always wanted to go again with him.  As I go more and more days not working, the dream of actually getting a vacation this year got dimmer and dimmer until all hope of being able to go has been completely snuffed out.  I’m quite bummed out by this.  I try not to dwell on this one too much, but it’s pretty difficult not to. 
•  I can’t plan my wedding this summer. I had been working (with the help of my fiancé) very aggressively on getting rid of a personal debt I had, and I was so freaking close to having it completely paid off.  Once I had accomplished this goal, we were going to start planning our wedding.  I was getting so excited at the prospect of finally sitting down with him and fleshing out a plan.  The longer I stay off work, the more I start to wonder if a wedding is going to happen at all.  It certainly won’t be in the next year.  Not with me not working.  That’s quite depressing.

There are other things on this list, but I’m not able to think of them right now.  The ones I mentioned are the big ones.  The ones I’m faced with almost every day.  My world is all about can’ts right now.  Every day I struggle with depression as I start to see more and more can’ts.  Some days aren’t so bad, some days are scary.  It helps knowing I have allies.  It helps knowing that my fiancé is standing by my side, fighting for me to get better, or to at least make our lives as liveable and as enjoyable as possible with the circumstances presented to us.  It helps knowing that my mom, particularly bad days, is willing to drop everything and just come be an anchor for me; a port in the storm, if you will.  

The more I think about it, actually, the more I realize that I have quite a few ports in the storm.  I am actually quite fortunate.  I’m not so bad off that I’m completely unable to fend for myself.  I’m surrounded by a strong support network; there are a number of people who are willing to help me out.  I still have a roof over my head and food in my fridge.  I live in a country that makes my several trips to the doctor possible.  

I try to keep thinking positive, but with so much negative events appearing in my life in the last 10 (not able to work for a month; fiancé getting laid off; getting injured again, preventing me from working for over 3 months now; getting rear-ended, having my wallet stolen) it’s a lot easier said than done. 

I'm just so tired

Physically and emotionally - I am exhausted. 

I feel as though I've been put through the wringer these past three months, and just then I start to think that things couldn't get any worse, life finds a way. 

I'm really not sure just how much more of this I can take. 

I feel as though I'm nearing a breaking point.

Handicapped Parking Spots

I currently am living with a disability.  I can't walk more than a few feet without the assistance of a cane and haven't been able to work for three months as a direct result of this (hopefully temporary!!) disability.  Because of this, I have a temporary handicapped decal.  For me, walking more than 100 meters[i] is like asking a fit person to do the West Coast Trail, just to go to the grocery store.  And I have a disability that still enables me to stand on my own volition or have complete control over my limbs.  Can you imagine how difficult it is for people who are forever bound to a wheelchair?  How difficult it is for people who can’t even operate the wheelchair on their own? 

When I see people who park in a designated handicap parking spot who do not have a decal, I get angry; even before I had need of a decal myself.  What on earth gave you such an inflated sense of entitlement that you feel that it is your right to take away the parking spot that has been specifically designated for people who have a physical disability that makes it difficult (or even impossible) for them to walk more than 100 meters?  Oh you only need to pop in and out of the bank?  So what??! Maybe I need to pop in and out of the bank, too, you jack-ass! 

Yesterday I had to go to a physio appointment and I was running a teeny bit late.  I wasn’t too terribly concerned about it because kitty corner from the clinic is a metered handicap parking spot.  I got there, and there was this red 2006 BMW M3 parked in the spot.  After my split second appreciation of such a fine machine (it’s one of my favourite cars), I realized that the turdnozzle[ii] didn’t have a decal!  So here I am, forced to have to search for another parking spot further away, causing me to have to walk further to get to my appointment.  As I mentioned at the top of this post, I can’t walk without a cane and have difficulty[iii] walking more than 100 meters.  If I walk up or down a slope, this makes matters worse. 

Now, in fairness to this person, they didn’t know that I have this disability, but that’s not the point of the matter.  Because of his[iv] (assumed) inflated sense of self worth, he felt as though he were more entitled to the spot than I or someone else with a disability.  Because he felt as though his convenience was of greater importance than my (or someone else’s) disability, I was in greater pain than I was throughout the entire day because I had to walk that much further and up a hill. 

Again, in fairness, it is safe to assume that had he not stolen that spot, someone else who was entitled to that spot would have taken it before I would get a chance to so I would have been in the same situation as I was in, but then I wouldn’t have burned with the feeling of social indignation and I wouldn’t have felt inspired (yet) to write this post and more poor readers would have suffered too!  (Now who has the inflated sense of self-importance?)

Even before my injury, I hated seeing this and I would often call either the towing company that managed the private lot, or I would call the city’s parking enforcement department (if I was in Vancouver).  Since I’ve established precedent of doing this when perfectly abled, you’d better damn well believe I’m going to call now that I’m not.  It turns out the jerkburger is a diplomat or consulate employee.  A-ha! We have discovered where he got his sense of self-importance.  The laws and rules don’t apply to diplomats.[v]

Well, since this snotnose not only parked in a designated handicap parking spot without a decal and let his meter expire (it was expired before my appointment), he got towed (at least that was what I was led to believe).  Ha!  The city may not be able to make the parking violations stick, but he still will have to deal with the inconvenience of going to the impound lot to pick up his car.  That’ll teach him. 

So be warned: If I see you parked in a handicap decal, be prepared to pay!  I more than likely will call a towing company or the city[vi] and you will have to pay.  If you’re lucky, all I’ll do is call you an asshole. 

---

[i] One of the criteria for a handicap parking permit in BC is your inability to walk more than 100 meters.

[ii] I may be immature using less than kind words about this person, but I don’t think this calls for civility.  I don’t intend to curse at someone for doing this, but I certainly won’t be kind.

[iii] Difficulty = Can’t! Not without lots of pain and lots of pain meds afterwards.

[iv] I’m going to be using masculine pronouns from now on as shorthand.

[v] A bunch of hogwash, if you ask me! 

[vi] If you live in the City of Vancouver (in Canada), and you want to get a hold of parking enforcement, call 311 and ask for that department.

I really don't understand homophobia

Seriously.

I really and truly don't understand how anyone can so blithely hate people who are homosexual.  It makes about as much sense to me as hating someone because they have red hair, or have green eyes.  Okay, maybe I get the red hair hatred.  Bloody gingers, anyway![i]

I mean, it's just such a waste of energy, and for those who stand behind their religion to defend their hatred, it seems to be in complete defiance of most religious tenets.  More specifically, the Judeo-Christian religion. 

When I self-identified as a Christian, I was always taught that you must love others as Jesus loves you and to always follow the Golden Rule.  I could never think of Jesus being the type of person who would advocate hatred the way modern day churches and religious organizations are today.  I know whenever I hear of people beating a gay[ii] person (to death at times) just because they had the strength and courage to accept and love who they are my heart hurts and I truly believe that if you are a person of faith, your heart should hurt too.  

The think about homophobia that makes no sense to me is that no truly valid[iii] argument can be made in support of it.  It's not as though people of the LGTBQ community have started wars, have committed or have attempted to commit genocide, have actively persecuted heterosexuals, or have fought to take away rights of heterosexuals.  In certain (very extreme) cases, a valid argument can be made to make specific instances of racism (or nationalism) excusable[iv] but I just don't see why or how someone can think it's okay to be homophobic.  

Dictionary.com defines homophobia as an unreasoning fear of or antipathy toward homosexuals and homosexuality.  The way I see it actively denying rights to homosexuals, throwing out hurtful homophobic slurs, and/or thinking that they are an abomination makes you someone who is homophobic.  If you defend the above actions or other actions against homosexuals, you are saying that homophobia is excusable.

To say homophobia is excusable is to say that it's right for people to kill someone for being gay.

To say homophobia is excusable is to say that it's okay that children are killing themselves because of the bullying they receive as a result of being gay or being perceived as gay.

To say homophobia is excusable is to say that it's okay for your child who may be gay or questioning to be afraid to come out to you or talk to you about it.  You are saying it is okay for your child to fear you.

Can you imagine what that must be like?  Your teenaged (or older or younger) child is questioning whether or not s/he's gay and they are terrified that they are because they see how much you hate gays.  They see how afraid you are of people who are homosexuals and how you say nothing but negative things about gays and they are petrified that all of that hatred will be directed towards them.  In my opinion, if your child is ever afraid of you, you have failed them as a parent.  Your most important directive in life as a parent is to make sure they always feel safe, protected and loved by you, and your hatred of gays means (to them, at least) that you hate your child. 

I don't ever want to hate my child.

 

The last thing I'll say is what in the hell does what other people do have to do with you??  How is someone being in a happy, healthy homosexual relationship impacting your life in any way, shape or form?  Heck, how is someone being in an unhappy, unhealthy homosexual relationship impacting your life in any way?  Do you think omnivores in their households are somehow affected by what vegans do in their households?  Of course not.  That would be silly.

---

[i]  I kid! I kid!

[ii] For shorthand, I’m going to be referring to those in the LGTBQ community as gay, though really what I’m saying refers to anyone in the community.          

[iii]  I personally don’t believe that arguments starting with “But the Bible said...” as a valid argument.  People (including religious clerics) defy theological laws/rules every day (Do you shave your beard? Do you enjoy a good pork chop?) so the Leviticus and other Biblical arguments are easily counter argued.   Also, since not everyone identifies as a Christian (or other religion that “bans” homosexuals), using the Bible as a means to discriminate against non-Christians is illogical.

[iv]  To be clear, I don’t think racism is ever excusable.  I’m just saying that if you really wanted to, and you were referencing very specific circumstances (e.g., certain historical events), an argument can be made in favour of it.  Say, if you were in a debate class or something.