That's retarded.

Today, a friend of mine on Facebook shared a wonderful link to another blog.  It wasn't a particularly long post, but it had an impact on me.

How many of you, like me, respond to things we disagree with,don't like, think is awful or just have a negative reaction to with, "That's retarded" or, "That's gay"?  I'm very guilty of using the latter phrase. 

I have a coworker of mine who is an incredibly beautiful man.  He's generous (almost to a fault), funny, kind, hard working, always smiling and just plain awesome.  He's also gay.  For whatever reason, it never occurred to me that when I say "That's gay" that it was hurtful to him.  I was using the word gay as a pejorative, and therefore saying that he is someone to think less of.  Of course I don't mean or even think that.  But I also wasn't thinking of what I was saying. 

One day, he was telling me a story about a weird call he had taken, or some not very happy situation in his life that I was commiserating with him on and said "That's gay".  He just looked at me and said, "Thanks."  Nothing else.  He didn't go off on me, didn't tell me off, didn't call me hurtful things, didn't react negatively in any way.  That's not his style.  He'd sooner gut himself than willingly hurt someone, even if it was in defense of himself.  All he said was, "Thanks." 

There was so much hurt in that single word.  So much disappointment.  So much sorrow.  And I had caused it.  I felt about half an inch tall and immediately apologized for saying that.  There was no excuse for saying it.  All I could do was beg his forgiveness.  Being the amazing guy he is, he accepted my apology and we moved on.  I have tried to be more cognizant of my words since then, but I can't promise that I have never used that phrase or "That's retarded" since.  It's become such an entrenched part of society's (the Western society at any rate) lexicon that we literally don't know what we're saying when we say it. 

Many of my friends have children who have Autism or are on the spectrum or have something in their brains/bodies that keeps them from living like "normal" kids.  A lot of my friends do, in fact.  Never, never would it occur to me to call them retarded.  They're not (not in the way that people think of the word, at any rate - because let's face it, when you hear the word retarded, you're not thinking happy thoughts, are you?  It's a sad, and frankly disgusting reality).  They're some of the most beautiful kids I've had the pleasure of seeing grow up through pictures, stories and videos posted on Facebook and their respective blogs.  They have some of the biggest smiles I have ever seen, and I absolutely love reading stories of them coming to grips with their situation and learning how to cope with it.  When their parents struggle, or when they struggle and their parents vent online, I hurt for them.  When they're over the moon because their child said "I love you." to them, I rejoice with them.

I don't know how or why "That's retarded" and "That's gay" became an accepted turn of phrase but we really need to think about who we are saying that about, and stop saying it.  You wouldn't say "That's so cancerous" or "That's Chinese" as a pejorative, would you?  No, because people who run you out of town for saying something like that.  You'd be labeled at best insensitive or callous, and at worst a bigot or a racist.   Well guess what?  Every time you (and I) say "That's gay" and/or "That's retarded" that's exactly what you are.  An insensitive, callous, bigot. 

Let's end the use of the R word, okay?

Hug your children tonight.

Faith the Warrior Princess, has lost her battle with cancer today.  She was just shy of her ninth birthday, but she decided that she wanted to be ten for her birthday.  They celebrated her birthday a few weeks ago, so she and her family had a chance to all be together.

She's just a baby, but she was so strong and seemed to always have a smile in every photo her family has shared with us on Facebook.  It's not fair.  There aren't any words that can be said that would make it fair. 

Yesterday, Kienan was brought back to his mother's loving arms.  Today, Faith was taken from her mother's loving arms.

Both are reasons you should go hug your children right now, and every other opportunity you get.

Faith the "Warrior Princess"

Because I know this little girl is someone that is near and dear to some of my friends' hearts, I am going to dedicate this post to Faith, the Warrior Princess.  What is written below is a summary of the difficult war she has been battling against cancer.  I was going to say it's a brief summary, but there's no such thing as a "brief summary" when talking about one's battle with cancer.  Some of it may be difficult to read, but imagine how difficult it is for this little girl and her family to have to live through it.  

Faith was 7 years old on April 19th when she was diagnosed with Osteogenic Sarcoma in her left deltoid and shoulder. She started Chemo at Doernbecher Children's Hospital, but the chemo didn't work. The tumor grew and we were told her arm would need to be amputated. Two days before that was to occur, Dr. "Chappie" Conrad of Seattle Children's Hospital did a limb salvage surgery and saved her left arm from just above the elbow down through her hand. She has 'medical play-doh' for a left shoulder and a ceramic encased steel rod in her upper arm. She continued her chemo at Doernbecher until the protocol ended January 2011.

On April 15th, 2011, she was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer, and had lung surgery on both May 3rd and May 23rd, 2011. At the beginning of July, 2011, her cancer again metastacised to her left lung - the upper lobe has a 4cm+ tumor in it that grew in 4 weeks and cannot be removed at this time, as it is wrapped around the pulmonary vessel.

We were flown to Doernbecher on Monday, July 18th, after a weekend in our local hospital, where it was discovered that she had a pleural effusion (liquid between the left lung and chest wall.) At Doernbecher, they began by draining 1/2 liter of fluid from her chest. She also had a mass on her jaw that it took several weeks to figure out - the final answer was Osteogenic Sarcoma in the soft tissue wrapped around her left mandible. She started a new chemo protocol for metastasis that has a published 30% response rate. She was also given 5 high doses of radiation, for palliative care, hoping to reduce her pain and possibly shrink the tumor. They again needed to drain her chest cavity that had built back up, this time taking 1.75 liters of fluid and leaving in a chest tube. After one round of chemo, and both the mass in her jaw and chest growing, we stopped the chemo as it obviously wasn't working. It's still undetermined whether or not the radiation worked. Her jaw and cheek are still extremely swollen at this point - the last radiation was Friday, August 5th.

We were told that at this point, because her cancer has been resistant to everything, the doctors they believe she has anywhere from 4-6 weeks left with us. They did discover a 'mutated gene' in the biopsy from her chest that has not been seen before (or not discovered) in Osteogenic Sarcoma patients. She would be eligible for a clinical trial 2-weeks after discontinuing radiation, if she is ambulatory and not oxygen dependent. This gene is one that is seen in adult lung cancer patients, but has not been tried on pediatric Osteo patients. Time and the good Lord will let us know if this is meant to be. We were told that this would not be a "cure" but if it worked at all, might just prolong the inevitable.

We were flown home today and Faith will be on hospice care until/unless we are led down a different path. We ask that you encourage, support and pray for our sweet Warrior Princess as she continues to battle for her life ♥

Here are some ways you can help:

• On Faith's Facebook page, Faith's Friends, there is a FundRazr tab.  You can donate by PayPal directly through this page.
• My friend, owner/founder of Cathy's Creations has created some beautiful pieces of jewellery (a bracelet, a charm and a ring) for Faith's Friends.  Proceeds of the jewellery goes to Faith's family to help with medical costs.  She also has a lot of wonderful jewellery, some of it attached to a specific cause, and puts a lot of love into the pieces she makes.
• On Cathy's Creation's Facebook page, there will be an auction for a brand new HP Touchpad on August 27th, 2011.  The auction will start at 9am EST and end at 3pm EST; starting bid is $150.  She will post the same photo that day when the auction starts and all you have to do is place your bid under the photo.  ALL proceeds from this auction will go directly to Faith's family.  You get a shiny new toy, and you can know that the money you spent on it went to a good cause.
• The Dinner Roll is accepting contributions for Faith's family.  When they are in need of a meal, they can call the Dinner Roll, order what they would like from 15 different local restaurants and have it delivered at no additional cost! You can contact The Dinner Roll at: 541-772-7655. The account name is Jolayne Fulmer. I think this is something people forget about all the time.  The families are hit hard when they are faced with a battle against cancer, and something as simple as making a meal can sometimes be way too overwhelming.  
• There is a Sensational Scentsy fundraiser, that you can be linked to through Facebook.  The woman organizing it is donating 50% of her commission from August 15th, 2011 - September 2nd, 2011 to Faith's family to help with medical costs. 

I know times are tough right now for a lot of people - believe me, I know! - so it may be really hard, if not impossible, to help out financially.  Spreading the word however, is free.  Forward this post to everyone you know who can help financially or who knows someone who can help. 

Faith is a mover of mountains,

And there's nothing that God cannot do,

So start out today with Faith in your heart 

And climb till your dream comes true!

Is Visiting Your Family Taxing?

Today I was going to post about my fiancé again.  He’s been such a rock for me these past three plus months, even more than usual, so I wanted to go on at great length how amazing he is.  I’ve been inspired to write about something else, so you’re just going to have to take my word for it, or read the last post I wrote about him instead.

A friend has a father that’s currently in the hospital.  Naturally, she wants to spend as much time as she can with her father while he’s there.  The problem is, whenever she does, she has to pay out the nose for parking.  I just looked it up.  For her city’s major hospital, which is where he’s staying, she has to pay $15 for parking because she has the nerve, the unmitigated gall to go see her father while he’s in the hospital.  Who the hell does she think she is?  Yeah, she can get it validated (the website says that that’s only for patients of visitors.  Umm.. . aside from hospital staff who probably have staff parking, who else is going to the hospital??  A door-to-door salesperson? Jehovah’s Witnesses?) , but she’s still paying a minimum of $6 to visit her childrens’ papou.

The thing is, it’s not exactly like this is an uncommon occurrence.  When I had to go get some paperwork straightened up when I first went on disability assistance last year, I had to pay $3 for less than 15 minutes worth of parking, because the government facility that I had to go to had pay parking, and because you couldn’t pay for a portion of the hour.  I was applying for financial aid and I had, essentially, had to pay to do so.  When I had my son, and we were discharged, we had to pay to leave the hospital because my mother dared to pick me up in her car (nevermind the fact that they will not allow you to leave the hospital in anything other than a car or ambulance) and there again was pay parking.

Does anyone else find it absolutely abhorrent that many hospitals and government facilities have pay parking?  These are essential service buildings, and all the taxes we pay throughout the year aren’t enough for these facilities aren’t enough.  No.  They need to add yet another tax for the luxury of going to these buildings.

One could argue that you don’t need to drive to these facilities.  You could take the bus (bus fares), the taxi (taxi rates) or an ambulance (in BC, we have to pay for an ambulance ride.  Tommy Douglas is probably rolling in his grave) instead; but unless you’re within walking distance of these facilities, and you are capable to walking there on your own two feet, or have someone who can push/carry/drag you all the way there, you’re somehow paying for it. 

I don’t what can/should be done about this, but it definitely makes me want to watch Sicko again. 

Sigh.

Handicapped Parking Spots

I currently am living with a disability.  I can't walk more than a few feet without the assistance of a cane and haven't been able to work for three months as a direct result of this (hopefully temporary!!) disability.  Because of this, I have a temporary handicapped decal.  For me, walking more than 100 meters[i] is like asking a fit person to do the West Coast Trail, just to go to the grocery store.  And I have a disability that still enables me to stand on my own volition or have complete control over my limbs.  Can you imagine how difficult it is for people who are forever bound to a wheelchair?  How difficult it is for people who can’t even operate the wheelchair on their own? 

When I see people who park in a designated handicap parking spot who do not have a decal, I get angry; even before I had need of a decal myself.  What on earth gave you such an inflated sense of entitlement that you feel that it is your right to take away the parking spot that has been specifically designated for people who have a physical disability that makes it difficult (or even impossible) for them to walk more than 100 meters?  Oh you only need to pop in and out of the bank?  So what??! Maybe I need to pop in and out of the bank, too, you jack-ass! 

Yesterday I had to go to a physio appointment and I was running a teeny bit late.  I wasn’t too terribly concerned about it because kitty corner from the clinic is a metered handicap parking spot.  I got there, and there was this red 2006 BMW M3 parked in the spot.  After my split second appreciation of such a fine machine (it’s one of my favourite cars), I realized that the turdnozzle[ii] didn’t have a decal!  So here I am, forced to have to search for another parking spot further away, causing me to have to walk further to get to my appointment.  As I mentioned at the top of this post, I can’t walk without a cane and have difficulty[iii] walking more than 100 meters.  If I walk up or down a slope, this makes matters worse. 

Now, in fairness to this person, they didn’t know that I have this disability, but that’s not the point of the matter.  Because of his[iv] (assumed) inflated sense of self worth, he felt as though he were more entitled to the spot than I or someone else with a disability.  Because he felt as though his convenience was of greater importance than my (or someone else’s) disability, I was in greater pain than I was throughout the entire day because I had to walk that much further and up a hill. 

Again, in fairness, it is safe to assume that had he not stolen that spot, someone else who was entitled to that spot would have taken it before I would get a chance to so I would have been in the same situation as I was in, but then I wouldn’t have burned with the feeling of social indignation and I wouldn’t have felt inspired (yet) to write this post and more poor readers would have suffered too!  (Now who has the inflated sense of self-importance?)

Even before my injury, I hated seeing this and I would often call either the towing company that managed the private lot, or I would call the city’s parking enforcement department (if I was in Vancouver).  Since I’ve established precedent of doing this when perfectly abled, you’d better damn well believe I’m going to call now that I’m not.  It turns out the jerkburger is a diplomat or consulate employee.  A-ha! We have discovered where he got his sense of self-importance.  The laws and rules don’t apply to diplomats.[v]

Well, since this snotnose not only parked in a designated handicap parking spot without a decal and let his meter expire (it was expired before my appointment), he got towed (at least that was what I was led to believe).  Ha!  The city may not be able to make the parking violations stick, but he still will have to deal with the inconvenience of going to the impound lot to pick up his car.  That’ll teach him. 

So be warned: If I see you parked in a handicap decal, be prepared to pay!  I more than likely will call a towing company or the city[vi] and you will have to pay.  If you’re lucky, all I’ll do is call you an asshole. 

---

[i] One of the criteria for a handicap parking permit in BC is your inability to walk more than 100 meters.

[ii] I may be immature using less than kind words about this person, but I don’t think this calls for civility.  I don’t intend to curse at someone for doing this, but I certainly won’t be kind.

[iii] Difficulty = Can’t! Not without lots of pain and lots of pain meds afterwards.

[iv] I’m going to be using masculine pronouns from now on as shorthand.

[v] A bunch of hogwash, if you ask me! 

[vi] If you live in the City of Vancouver (in Canada), and you want to get a hold of parking enforcement, call 311 and ask for that department.

Pox Parties

Have you heard of/have gone to a Pox Party?

From Wikipedia: "A pox party is a party held by parents for the purpose of infecting their children with childhood diseases, most commonly chickenpox, thus acquiring some immunity to the disease.^[1] According to the Washington Post, parents who expose their children to the virus in this manner believe that this method is "safer and more effective than using vaccines."^[2] Similar ideas have been applied to other diseases such as measles. In the case of chicken pox, and also some other diseases such as mumps and hepatitis A, the course of the disease is typically less severe in children than adults."

Would you send your kid to one? I have a 4 year old, and we opted not to get his chicken pox vaccine because we felt that it was an unnecessary medical intervention.  Since chicken pox isn't life threatening (except maybe in rare cases), in my opinion, there's no need to get a vaccine for it.  Other people have different opinions on that matter, and I certainly won't tell them that they are wrong for thinking the way they do.  No one knows what's best for your child other than you (except in the case of medical emergencies, IMO). 

Anyhow, a friend mine's youngest child just got chicken pox.  I'm thinking about asking the mom if I can take the little man over for a play date.  I was talking to my partner about this very thing yesterday so it almost feels like it's fate. 

Here's the dilemma: I'm still off work on medical leave.  It's really hard for me to interact with my child right now unless he's hanging out on the bed with me.  I have trouble walking, standing bending over and sitting.  Do I want to intentionally make my child sick, knowing that I won't be at my best to take care of him? 

The child's been sick for a couple of days now, so she's probably not contagious anymore but I really see the benefit of having our kid get the chicken pox now rather than when they're older.  They're more likely to scratch the lesions to the point of scarring (I did) and they'd likely miss out on school once they're school aged, either when there's an outbreak or when they actually get the chicken pox, so there's that concern too.  Our son starts school in another year, so the window's starting to close up. 

What to do.  What to do.

What would you do?