Dear Bruh,

Dear Bruh,

I understand that, for you, going to the gym is a great time to bro out with your bro force and out-bro one another.  I get that, for you, it’s of vital importance to exclaim whilst occupying the chest press, “Bruh!  I can do four sets of 15 reps at 85 pounds” and then hear if your bros can out do you.  Naturally, you will dispute their claim when they state they can do 4 sets of 50 reps at 100 pounds” (I would too.  Their arms and shoulders don’t look like they can do 2X20X50).  I get this.  But please, BRO OUT SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!  While you’ve been sitting at the machine for 10 minutes lying to your bros, you haven’t done a damn thing.  I need that machine.  I will actually use that machine. 

Give me two minutes on the blasted thing, and then you can go back to lying to your bros while sitting on the press like the selfie taking, bench warmer you clearly are. I’m only recently retuning to the gym scene after a long absence, but I have quickly compiled a list of Dos and Don’ts  (mostly don’ts) for the gym.  

1: If you’re going to superset on multiple machines – don’t hog all the machines!  If the machine you want is occupied, move on the next machine like the rest of us, or find an alternative.  Don’t scatter your crap about all the machines you want and put them in a holding pattern.  There’s one leg press and a dozen or so people who may want to use it at any given time.  If it’s part of your superset, and you’re currently doing barbell squats, don’t put your sweat rag on the leg press bench to reserve it while you finish your squats. 

2: Continuing with the leg press: do clean up after yourself.  When you’re done your set, take the

weights off.  Its super annoying when I’m finally able to get on to the press and I have to take 150+ pounds off the damn thing so that I can put my weights on.  Listen.  Not all of us are able to/want to do 150+ pound presses.  I’m only at 70 pounds, and I don’t plan to exceed 100.  My legs are plenty strong and decently toned.  I don’t need to add more weights and look like I’m about to enter a strong man competition.  If that’s what you want, all the more power to you, but clean up after your damn self. I ain’t your mama. 

3: Don’t horde the dumbbells.  Unless you have hands so big that it makes Lou Ferrigno’s hands look about as big as Trumps, there’s no reason for you to have 84 pairs of dumbbells.  Again, you’re supersetting, I get it.  But I mean seriously.  The gym I go to has three sets of weights as well as kettle balls, and literally everyone who had the one pair of weights I needed had multiple pairs of dumbbells at their feet.  What the hell?  I, too, would like to do my sets.  I don't want to be the person who runs to the trainers crying "teacher! that cross fitter's hogging all the weights" but a girl's about to get desperate here.

4: If someone’s signed up for a cardio machine from 6:15 – 6:45 and its 6:44 and you can clearly see that they have a minutes and 44 seconds left, don’t tap them on their shoulder and shout “Are you getting off at 6:45 or what?!” Lady, chill! Not everyone’s watches are synchronized to your watch.  Do some stetches, and let them finish their cooldown. Don’t tap on their sweaty shoulders and do your best hen impression.  That just isn’t cool.

5: If you’re going to do some stretches while you’re waiting for your machine to free up, don’t do it right in front of the machine you’re waiting for.  That’s totes awkward, and it’s going to make the petty in me shine.  I’m middle child; no one does passive aggressive better than a middle child.  You are ill equipped, you will lose this petty match up.

 

All in all, whatever our reasons, whatever our motivations, we’re all there to improve ourselves.  Whether that’s our intent or not, that will be the end result.  DBAD, and make what may already be a really difficult experience for some to just SHOW UP, even more difficult.  Recognize that even though you’re here with your bros, and you’re having a good time bro-ing out, you’re not the only ones here.