Maru

I want this cat.  Not a cat like this cat, but THIS. CAT.  Don't tell me I'm the only one.  

That is all.

Welcome home, Winnipeg Jets

The Winnipeg Jets are returning to the NHL.  There still are some hoops that need to be jumped through, namely approval by the NHL Board of Governors but it looks like it's pretty much a done deal.  Mark Chipman and David Thompson, with True North Sports and Entertainment have, just hours ago, finalized the purchase of the Atlanta Thrashers franchise.  The new franchisees are hoping to get 13,000 season ticket holders by the time the BoG meet on June 21.  Personally, I think this is a bit of a lofty (though not at all unachievable) goal as the seating capacity in ice formation at the MTS Centre is just over 15,000 but the ticket prices are quite comparable to that of the Ottawa Senators, Calgary Flames and Edmonton Oilers.  My concern with have so many season ticket holders is that it will make it exceedingly difficult for those who can't afford season tickets to purchase (through legal means) tickets for the odd game here and there, thus causing them to feel a bit disenfranchised.  We're seeing that a lot here in Vancouver.  Because there are so many seasons ticket holders, and the wait lists for them are insanely long, the franchise owners know that the market can bear an exorbitantly high price tag for the remaining tickets.  As a result, the "true" fans of the sport are left watching the game at home or at the bar, while the corporate types take whoever they're trying to sell something to to the games and just click away on their smartphones while top grade hockey is unfolding right in front of them.  What do you mean, "you sound bitter?"  I have no idea what you're talking about *wink* 

Getting back on topic.  Obviously, Winnipeg residents are over the moon but I would like to think the rest of Canada, and serious hockey fans everywhere are equally as excited; I know my partner is probably doing jumping jacks right now (in his head, as I texted him at work to let him know about this announcement).  The idea of another NHL team coming out of the country that invented the sport pleases me greatly, and the Jets were a tremendous franchise.  People are now wondering, "Where will the next Canadian franchise be?"  Gary Bettman (for those uninitiated folks, he's the commissioner of the NHL.  Loved by all.  Yup.) seems increasingly loathe to even consider the idea of possibly speculating the potential of another Canadian team, but that's his MO really.  In the press conference today, he was asked if the possibility of Quebec City getting an NHL franchise once more was worth mentioning and he looked almost angry at even having to justify that with an answer.  After hedging for a few sentences, he basically answered with (I'm paraphrasing here), "Don't get your hopes up."

To Bettman I say, "Screw you, I'm getting my hopes up!" What is so wrong with wanting more Canadian franchises in a Canadian sport?  What's so wrong with wanting to find ways of stimulating our economy by creating jobs and driving tourism the way hockey towns (Phoenix and Atlanta being the exception, but they're not really hockey towns.  Let's get real here.) have been known to do?  I, personally, would love to see an NHL team in Saskatoon or in the Maritimes.  I don't want to see yet another team in Ontario.  They have two, and both are a bit of a joke these days.  I want to see an NHL team in a province where the majority of it's citizens have never had the opportunity to see a live NHL game and who feel like the likelihood of a team showing up in their province is about as probable as a black presi....wait, that's been done!
 

Don't even know where to begin

I've been off work for almost two months now with a hip injury that makes it nearly impossible for me to sit for any real stretch of time without pain.  Having an office job, this makes working pretty darned difficult right now.  As a result, my partner has really taken up the slack around the house.

He gets our son ready for bed every night.
He gets the boy in and out of the car, to and from daycare.
When the kid wakes up in the middle of the night, my guy jumps out of bed to comfort him.
He's making dinner every night, and if he's just too bushed to consider dinner, he's picking up the tab for takeout.
He bought me a bed tray so that I can comfortably eat in bed.
He's washing my laundry.
He's comforting me when I get so stressed out and frustrated at my inability to do much.
He stops whatever he's in the middle of doing, just to see if I need anything. 
He'll take the kid out for the day, all day - on his days off - just so I can have some quiet time, and so the kid doesn't feel cooped in.

He's doing all this - and so much more - so that I can recover that much quicker and because he loves me.  He is truly what a partner should be.  Father's Day is coming up and while I already have a gift for him lined up, whatever I get him won't even come close to making up for all that he's done for me and our son.  There isn't any way I can truly put to words the love and gratitude I have for him.  He's done so much for us, not just these past several weeks, but for years.  How do you thank someone for their constant, unwavering support and affection?  Something tells me that a tie simply won't do. 

To my partner, today I say: Thank you for being the amazing man that you are.  You are my rock.  I would be absolutely and wholly lost without you.  Not just because I'm laid up, but because you give me a reason to want to get up.

To his mother, today I say: Thank you for having him.  You should be so proud of your son.  It wasn't easy, with the cards you were dealt but you did a terrific job!

To our son, today I say: Thank you for giving me a piece of your father, for all days.  When you grow up, and want to know what it means to be a man, just look at your father.  He is kind, supportive, intelligent, self-assured, respectful and strong*.  He is dedicated to the people and things that matter to him, and when he says he's going to do something, you know it will get done.  You are very lucky to have him as your daddy!  No one will do more for you than him.

Writer's Note: I'm talking emotionally, as I don't believe being physically strong defines a man... though he is

This is what I live for

The Vancouver Canucks are running a "This is What We Live For" campaign while they work their way towards the Stanley Cup Finals.  They ask you to post a photo of yourself celebrating the Canucks and explaining why you are a fan of the Canucks.

My beautiful son and I sharing a giggle before bedtime

I love my team, and I truly believe that we are on the path towards the cup, but my son it what I live for.  Most parents say that, and that's because most parents mean it.  It's incredible the change that occurs when you give birth to (or adopt) a child and hold it in your arms for the first time.  The love that courses through your veins and takes your very breath away.  All of it sounds like a cliche but I swear to you, the first time your child looks into your eyes and wraps his tiny little fingers around yours, it's as if the world stops.  The best part is, it doesn't end there.  The rest of your life, you get the joy of "firsts" to savour.  The first time your child smiles (when it's not gas), the first time they laugh, their first step, first word, first time they write their name, ride a bike, first crush, first love.  If you're really lucky, your child(ren) then go on to have kids of their own and then you get to watch them go through all the same firsts with their kids.

I have a lot of favourites in my life, and the older my son gets, the more I find that my favourites have something to do with him.  My favourite sounds are my son's giggle or whenever he says "I love you too, Mommy.".  My favourite smell is the smell of his hair after he's played outside.  It's smells of pure sunshine.   My favourite thing to see is his hands in his daddy's hand, or his smile of pride when he builds cool new track or learns to write a new number or letter.  My favourite feeling is when he snuggles into me (if he stays still long enough) before bedtime as he winds down after a long day.

When you're having one of those days (or weeks/months/years) when it feels like nothing feels right, nothing's going as planned, and everything seems like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole try to think of something that makes it easy for you to breathe.  I know there's something/someone in your life that makes everything feel like the planets are once again aligned when you're near it.  Find it, and hold it near to you and never let it go*

*Writer's Note: If the "it" is something that could cause you harm (drugs, booze, alcohol), please let it go.  There are better things that can set you to rights and won't shorten your life. 

Regrets

How do you handle regrets?  I know you have them; everyone does.  Obviously, we all try to go through life making sure we don't have any, and many of us believe that we don't have any regrets.  I understand why.  They take up too much time and too much energy if we really start to think about and focus on our If-only-I-had's, shoulda's and I-wish-I-could-go-back-and's but really how do you handle your regrets?

If pressed to reveal my biggest regrets, I could easily name two.  No, three.  The first regret is waiting as long as I did to reconnect with my biological father.  It was only a few weeks after my family and I had told him that I'll be visiting him and his parents for a little bit in our upcoming trip to Europe that summer that my grandfather passed away.  It rocked me to my core, and I felt that had I tried to reconcile with my father a year earlier, I might have had some time to see my grandfather one last time.  I was only 15 at the time, and as I get older I recognize that it was not in any way my responsibility to try to rebuild a relationship with my father and that my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins could have tried to keep in touch with me rather than hiding behind my father's shame.  I have no relationship with my father, again, which pleases me greatly as he is a poison in my life.  But I still wish I had been given a chance to see my grandfather again.

My second big regret is not seeing my friend while she was in palliative care.  She was diagnosed with cancer in the fall and died shortly before the following summer.  I had a lot of joyous memories of her as a child and I hated the idea of seeing her with but a few breaths left in her.  I was a coward.  There's simply no other way to put it.  Yeah, I was still just a kid - not quite 20 years old - but she was my butterfly, and I couldn't stand the last memory of her being one without her wings.  As you can tell, I'm still having a hard time coming to grips with this one.  I think it might be the irony that's getting to me.  I didn't want my last memory of her to be one of her sitting on her death bed, and instead my last memory of her is my cowardice.  I could have sat by her side, held her hand, laughed with her, cried with her and told her how much I loved her.  I traded that in for wishing I could do all of that. 

My third, and perhaps deepest regret is hurting someone who was nothing but good to me.  He gave me his heart, and I did not treat that gift with the respect it deserved.  I was too in love with the romance that was offered to see that he wasn't the man - through no fault of his own - I was supposed to be with.  I'm with that man now; we have a beautiful family and every day I get to wake up next to him is like a gift from the stars, but I regret that in the process of discovering this love that I have now I wound up hurting someone who didn't want anything but to be that man for me. 

Getting back to my original question of "How do you handle your regrets?", there's nothing I can do about the first two regrets of my life except maybe talk about it when given the opportunity so that people who may see themselves faced with a similar situation don't make the sames mistakes I made.  As to the last regret, I've recently emailed the person in question and apologized to him.  Whether or not he chooses to forgive me, is entirely up to him.  Frankly, I didn't email him to ask for it.  His potential decision to ignore me, berate me, or absolve me of my sins doesn't hold much interest to me.  Perhaps that sounds cold, but I felt the most I can do on my part (and really, the only thing I should) was to offer up my sincerest apologies, without any explanations or rationalizations or hope for any sort of response in kind.  I'll let the fates decide what things may come.

If you have regrets, don't let them fester.  Really take the time to see if there's some way you can address these regrets head on.  Don't think of it as focusing on the past, but of getting rid of the gorilla on your shoulder, as my chiropractor would say.  Don't let it weigh you down.  Maybe you won't be able to get right of the gorilla, but you might at least be able to make it one of them little wind up clapping monkeys.

Green Tulips

It's been five years, but you were hurting for a long time before that day, weren't you?

We tried to get you help.  You spoke about your pain, but not always.  Right?  There were some dark secrets that you didn't let anyone shine a light on, weren't there?  Not enough people listening to your cries of pain.  We heard them.  We thought we were listening, but we fooled ourselves, didn't we?  You fooled us, didn't you?

Do you know how much we loved you?  Do you know how much we still love you?  Some of us are a little mad at you, do you know that?  Because you stole from us.  You robbed us blind and you disappeared, so it's not like we can get what you stole back.  We can't get you back.  That's what you stole.  You goddamned thief!  I want what you took back!

I miss you.  I think about you all the time.  I can't imagine how much it hurts the others.  You were their family.  They knew you better than anyone.  Did any of us know you?  Did the right people know you?

There weren't any tulips.  I'm sorry.  We would have brought tulips.  We should have brought green tulips.

If you're feeling like you have no options and that suicide is your only way out, please don't.  There are resources out there to help you - free of judgment, acrimony and shame.  Please.
http://www.suicideprevention.ca/
http://www.suicideinfo.ca/

If you're a teen or kid who needs someone to talk to that isn't your mom or dad or teacher (though you CAN talk to them!), please try these resources:
http://www.youthsuicide.ca/
http://www.kidshelpphone.ca/Kids/Home.aspx 

If you're First Nations, and you want to talk to someone who would be more sensitive to what it is like being First Nations and in need of someone to listen to you, please check out this resource:
http://www.honouringlife.ca/site

If you're LGBT or questioning, and think there's no way you can live this life because of the abuse you suffer at the hands of bullying, please go to:
http://www.itgetsbetter.org/#

If you suspect someone is suicidal, but don't know what signs to look for, please read this:
http://www.cmha.ca/bins/content_page.asp?cid=3-101-102

Updated:
Are you in search for some coping mechanisms?  Please go to this link to learn a simple way to cope that might just help.  If it doesn't, that's okay.  There are so many ways to cope.  The author is a pyschotherapist who is dedicated to mental health and mental health awareness.
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/suicide/