Have I ever told you about my Pinto Plan?
About ten years ago, I was riding in a car (a 1984 Toyota Celica that had a very temperamental clutch) with a friend of mine when someone drove past us, weaving in and out of traffic at dangerous speeds, with an “L” on the back of his car (for those not in BC, an “L” sign displayed in the back of your car indicates that you essentially have a learner’s permit). He was driving a Spider. To say I was irked is to say a sonic boom is a little bit loud. On the spot I came up with my Pinto Plan.
I want to get a beat up junker of a car. I want it to look like the last time it received any love was right before it came off the line in 1976. The more varied in colour the panels are, the better. The duller the majority of the paint is the better. Trim, if any at all, should only be present on no more than two thirds of the car. Where the trim is missing, tiny rust holes should be in its place. I want the car to look like the VW below, only in worse looking shape. When Adam Sandler wrote Piece of Sh Car, he was thinking of this car.
I then plan to gut out the existing engine, and drop the biggest engine into the car that I can get away with. Perhaps a 1,984 cc 2 liter 4 in-line front transverse engine (apparently the engine the Jetta was rocking in The Fast and The Furious). It will be a 10 second car (NOS would be nice, but unless I plan on taking this car to Ashcroft or Mission drag strips and racing for pinks, somewhat unnecessary) . It will have a false exhaust pipe coming out the back that will look so rusty that the next strong gust of wind could cause it to completely crumble into dust. The false exhaust pipe will actually be connected to a fog machine that will be sitting in the trunk. The fog machine will have some black and blue powder in it so that to anyone walking by the car it would look like it is burning oil. Duct tape would be all over the interior of the car… and probably parts of the car outside.
Once it’s perfectly ugly and running like a dream machine, I’m going to drive up to these 16 year old kids driving their brand new Mercedes S-Class, BMW 760, or Audi A8 that they defiled with racing stickers, sound systems too bottom heavy so that all you hear is rumbling and not the actual song itself, and several ridiculous bobble head air freshener things along the dashboard and back (seriously, what the hell?) at a red light, make it clear that I intend to beat them off the line (they will laugh and laugh. Who is this ridiculous woman, thinking she can beat us off the line? Has she seen her car?), and then I will do exactly that – by a wide margin. Their jaws will hit the floor; their friends in the car with them will fail miserably at containing their howls of laughter; they will get a healthy dose of humility; in a perfect world, they will learn the importance of respecting the powerful machine they have been fortunate enough to receive and follow the rules of the road, not be a danger to the other cars on the road, not park like assholes, and turn down the bass, turn up the treble, and listen to the actual song and not the rumble.
That’s my Pinto Plan.